The lie every teenage boy tells their bishop

(unless your conscience gets the better of you)

I just listened to this (http://www.mormonstories.org/mormon-interviews-part-1/) podcast from Mormon Stories about bishop interviews regarding sexual purity. I recommend listening to it. One of the main points of this podcast is to shed light on the fact that it is totally inappropriate for bishops to be talking with children and interviewing them about their sexual behavior.  It’s funny because until I listened to this podcast I had never considered how inappropriate this is, but now that I have been thinking about it I can’t believe that this is still a normal, acceptable practice. Especially after listening to the podcast and hearing some people’s experiences where their bishop made them describe every little detail of what they did.  It’s just so disgusting and crazy that that happens. 
 

While listening to it I started reflecting on my own experiences with my church leaders. I started masturbating when I was around 11 or 12. I also started getting curious about porn around that time and tried to look at it whenever I got a chance. During the summer when I was 13 there was one week where I was going to be home alone all week because my mom and sisters were going to girls camp and my brothers where going out of town. It was just going to be me and my dad at home all week. My dad worked during the day so I was home alone until the evening when he got home. I was excited because this gave me tons of time to look at porn. We had the internet, but we only had dial-up so it was SUPER slow. 

One day my dad came home and he was suspicious of me because he would randomly call home to check on me, but since I was on the internet it just returned a busy signal. At that time I barely knew how the internet worked so I didn’t know how to delete my browser history. He checked it and found all the dirty stuff I had looked up. I was sitting in the same room as him pretending to play video games whilst really trying to figure out what he was doing. I figured out he had caught me so I was freaking out inside and just wanted to die. I was also doubly freaking out because it was all gay porn and that is when he found out I was gay. 

A little later he sat me down and asked me about it and I confessed because I knew he knew. He told me all the cliché stuff like it was okay and he still loved me and it’s not a sin to be gay, just acting on it is. He then said he was going to set up a meeting with our bishop so I could confess it to him and repent. After we talked I was relived because the awkwardness was over and the cat was out of the bag, but I was still dreading talking to the bishop. When Sunday came, my dad shuffled me into the bishop’s office so I could confess to him. From what I can remember he basically just probed me and asked me if it was a law of chastity issue and if it had to do with masturbation and/or pornography and if I knew what that meant. He explained it all to me and said he would talk to me next week to see how I was doing and for the time being not to take the sacrament.

I remember not being able to pass the sacrament and being incredibly uncomfortable during sacrament meeting because I felt like everyone knew that I was masturbating because why else would a deacon not be able to pass the sacrament. Looking back, I feel like I was one of the few young men in my ward who ever confessed to the bishop about masturbating. It seems like almost none of my peers ever had to sit out from passing the sacrament, but based on my own sexual proclivities I can’t imagine how none of them could not have also been doing it.

I avoided masturbating all week because I was so scared and embarrassed about what would happen if I didn’t and when I talked to the bishop again he told me I could continue taking the sacrament. I think that same day after church, as a reward for doing so well (lol but not really), I gave in and masturbated again. Right afterward I felt horrible and started stressing out about having to confess to the bishop again so I tried to be perfect all week to make up for it. The following Sunday, the bishop pulled me aside in the hallway and asked me, “How are you doing?” I think he must have been referring to avoiding masturbation, but since he was so vague I just told him I was fine even though I had masturbated. After that I told myself I was going to stop, but I never could go for more than a few days. He followed up the next few weeks with more vague questions about how I was doing and I always said I was fine. I didn’t really feel like I was lying because he never asked me directly if I was still masturbating.

When I turned eighteen my bishop was kind of pressuring me to become a Melchizedek priesthood holder and to get my patriarchal blessing. Even though I had been lying throughout my teen years about worthiness, I did not feel conformable doing either of those things if I was unworthy so I confessed to him. We had the same kind of conversation about the law of chastity and he counseled me about what to do to keep myself pure. Some of the things he told me were to hum a church hyme, take a cold shower, or chew gum. He literally told me that chewing gum could help me not masturbate.  Amazingly and with excruciating effort I just stopped masturbating and looking at porn and after a few weeks it became easy to avoid. So I was able to get my patriarchal blessing and be ordained an Elder with a clear conscience.  That lasted about six months until I started masturbating again.

When I started going to the YSA ward I had an interview with my new bishop and he asked about the law of chastity and I told him my issues with it. He ask what problems I was having exactly and how often.  He told me to not take the sacrament and encouraged me to go to the addiction recovery program, but I never did. I met with him every few weeks, but did not make any progress. Eventually the meetings became less and less often. I ended up just not taking the sacrament for like 3 or 4 years because I lost my virginity to a guy and started dating other guys and I did not want to confess that and come out to my bishop. Every few months he would ask if I would like to talk about it, but I said no. I moved to a new YSA ward and the same thing continued with my new bishop until I stopped going to church.

All my experiences were incredibly awkward and made me feel very ashamed, but none of my leaders were ever too nosy or gross about it. It just always made me feel terrible and extremely guilty. It even crossed my mind to castrate myself because I had so much difficulty with stopping. I’ve heard some of my brothers express similar feelings about this when they were growing up, even thinking about suicide because of the extreme guilt that comes from this. But what do you expect when the church teaches kids that masturbating is just one step up from murder.

Mormons are Dumb

I have reached the point where I don’t think the church is true anymore. Now when I see any Facebook post about the church by any of my Mormon friends I just say to myself, “Mormons are SO dumb.” You never realize how dumb it all is until you distance yourself from it and suddenly everything about Mormons is just so stupid.

Like that video of the lesbians that got divorced to join the church and members are just flaunting it as such a wonderful faith promoting video. DUMB. Or the inspiring story of Tom Christofferson leaving his partner of 20+ years to rejoin the church. DUMB. Or all the unfortunate gay members who still cling to the church and defend it even though it makes them miserable. DUMB. 

I love reading the comments on those kind of posts because they are so full of the dumbest Mormons ever who are so oblivious to how dumb they are. I saw this one members comments that were so antigay. He believed that gay people were just the ultimate sinners and were the scourge of the earth. I couldn’t believe how little sympathy he had and yet he is qualified to be one of the youth leaders of a gay youth, but a gay person isn't just because they are gay! I Facebook stalked him a little and saw a picture of his family. I half wished one of his sons would turn out gay so he would have to deal with a real gay person in his life but, he seems like the kind of person that would kick them out on the street if they were. I can hardly believe there are still members that are like that.

I read some other comments by a gay member who was trying to use his status as gay to lend credibility to his defense of the church, but believe it or not he was so dumb too. It is unfortunate because people like that just try to make themselves feel good by acting like they are the good gays who do what is right and don’t give in to their evil desires. It especially irks me because he acted like ex gay members are so weak because they can’t go without having sex like he can. I hate when people try to make that argument that being gay is only about sex and completely ignore things like romance, intimacy, companionship, and love. 

Gay issues are not the only things that drive me crazy about active members. I just saw this video someone made of this really dramatic trailer for general conference ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3sAJY7VVFY ). It just kills me how Mormons eat that kind of thing up. It is just so dumb; I love to hate it. 

Another thing I saw recently was a Facebook post from one of my Mormon friends. It went something like this: “A lot of people ask me why I am so happy. Well is it is because...” and he proceeded to bare his testimony and post a link to the church's website. I just wanted to respond and say, actually you were just coached to say that since you were a little child and happiness has nothing to do with whether you are a member of the church or not. In fact the church makes many people’s lives miserable until they are finally able to shed all its nonsense and break free from it.  

Anyways, Mormons are dumb.

I discovered I love dancing like a slut

So I had my birthday recently and I kind of got depressed because I am still single. I am well into my twenties and still have never been in a serious long-term relationship. Time just keeps ticking by and I’m just over here, by myself, alone. After moping around for a while I decided I needed to start really seriously trying to date… so I downloaded another dating app. That’ll do it I thought.

I got one of the popular dating apps that I had not tried before and found it was way worse than the one I regularly use. It seems to only show you people that are at least 50 miles away or more.  Needless to say it hasn’t helped much. The problem is I live in an area where there are very few people to date so I basically hate it.  I have also become more reclusive lately and have been feeling very trepidatious about meeting people for dates so I basically hate that too. I also noticed it seems like the majority of people on dating apps are just the dregs of the dating pool. They either seem to be fat, ugly, weird, or just losers that live in their parent’s basements like me. So I hate everything.

In related news I went to a gay bar for the first time recently and it was surprisingly fun.  My sister invited me to go out drinking with her and her friends so I did. I usually don’t like doing stuff like that, but I decided I would give it a try. We started out the night at her apartment with a few drinks. I had drank once before, but I did not notice it have any effect on me.  I was curious about how it would affect me this time. I started out with a hard cider and three shots of vodka.  Then we went to a bar and I had a mixed drink. I started to notice feeling loose at that time and having more fun. We went to another bar and I had another mixed drink. Then we went to the gay bar and I had another two mixed drinks. So by that time I had eight drinks.

The bar had a dance area with about 40 people dancing and my sister and her friend wanted to go dance. They tried to get me to dance, but I was too self-conscious so I resisted.  They pulled me over anyway and I gradually started getting into it. There were a few hotties there and we locked eyes a couple times so it was fun to think they were staring at me. The bar had some stripper poles and I started to dance on those. It is really fun to dance like a slut and try to seduce other guys. This one guy started eyeing me and tried to get me to dance with him on the stripper pole. I kind of wanted to, but I was too uncomfortable so I didn’t. After we left the bar I regretted not doing it.

When we got back to the apartment I threw up a couple times and then in the morning I threw up a couple more times. It was pretty miserable, especially since their apartment has no air conditioning and it was like 90 degrees outside. Overall the dancing was really fun, but I wish I was drunker so I would have danced with that guy... and maybe made out with him a little.

 

Are gay members of the Church really just in Hell?

I wrote the following around the time I started this blog, but never posted it. I just came across it on my computer and thought I’d post it. 

…

So I learned in church as a youth that if you die with your addictions or in sin then when you go to spirit prison or hell, then you will still have those same sinful desires, but you will not be able to satisfy them.  You will just be left to suffer with unsatisfiable desires or addictions as part of your punishment.  

I think about having a boyfriend EVER SINGLE DAY.  It is one of my greatest desires—to have companionship with a boy and be happy and do all the good things that couples are formed for. Yet every day I think about the gospel and how what I want is a sin and how I could never have any of those good things because it will cause me to go to hell.   

It’s funny how the definition of hell as a place where you are tortured with insatiable desires is what my life is like right now.  I have the greatest desire for companionship, but I can never attain it because it is a sin.  And if I do choose to pursue a relationship, then I go to hell.  So if I try to avoid this hell I’m living, I will only be sent to a similar hell when I die.  It’s a horrible paradox.  The very pain I am trying to alleviate is the same pain I will suffer if I try to do so.    

Is life supposed to be like this? 

“Adam fell that men might have joy.” 

Apparently not, but it is. 

I was thinking maybe I am in hell right now and I don’t even know it.  Maybe this is my punishment for my past wrong doings.

…

Now I have stopped going to church and believe that all the things they teach about gay people are just made up lies that are completely evil.  I might give a life update on here soon… or not.