So this will just be a brief update I guess

So this will just be a brief update I guess.  As mentioned in the last post, I almost went out with a crazy eighteen year old.  For fun one night I created a fake dating profile.  Basically it was a way for me to vent to people on the dating website about all the pet peeves I have about the stupid things people put on their dating profiles.  Like how dumb it is when people put their Myers-Briggs score on it or when people start off with the cliché, “I’m not good at filling these things out” or some variant of that.  I also filled it with other random pet peeves I have, specifically things people do that I hate.  I kind of also used it to troll gay people who I think are too serious and sensitive about LGBT issues.  I got a couple of messages from people who were offended by some of the things I posted, which was amusing.  One message I got was from a guy who identified with the general mood of my fake profile.  He got the impression that I hated a lot of people and he connected with me in that regard.  I started chatting with him more seriously because I thought if I could find someone that hates all the same things as I do then we would be perfect for each other lol.  

 

After chatting for a day or two he wanted to call me and talk on the phone so we did.  He called me on a Friday night when he was totally drunk.  He kept rambling on about all this random stuff because he was drunk and I ended up just listening to him most of the time.  It was not a good first impression, but I was like meh, I’ll just see where this goes.  He told me how his parents got pregnant in their teens and had him and that he was abused and had a messed up childhood. Those were a lot of red flags, but I still wanted to give him a chance even though I was also really anxious about taking it further with him.  I kind of went back and forth with him whether or not I would meet him, but the repulsive guy talked me out of it.  That was a relief because I think it would have been a huge nightmare if I had ended up taking it further.  We stopped talking and he was really mad at me.

…

After that I went through a period where I found no good dating prospects.  I would talk to guys online, but they were either too far away or there was just too many things about them that I did not like.  Finally a guy messaged me that was promising.  Through looking at his profile and chatting I found a lot of things about him that we had in common.  I started to get excited about the prospect of dating him and felt warm, happy feelings when we would text.  We started messaging constantly and set up a date to meet.  We were going to go to the mall and walk around.  

The day arrived and I was super nervous and excited.  When I got there and met him, he was gayer than I expected, which is always what happens, so I was expecting that lol.  I hate meeting people for the first time because they are never what you expect and I think that can scare people away.  After I got past my initial expectations, I took a good look at his face and was excited because I was really attracted to him in real life, which hadn’t happened with a guy I dated in a while.  I kept trying to steal good, long looks at him when he would not notice and seriously check him out.  He was really cute, but not the kind where the guy seems flawless, which made it all the better! It is so hard to find someone who is attractive that you feel is also in your league; not too attractive, but not ugly by any means.  

It was kind of awkward at first but after a little while we both seemed to get more comfortable and I started to really enjoy myself.  We had lunch and then continued to walk around and talk some more. It is really nice to do that, talk to someone you are interested in who you also think it interested in you.  He seemed to be having a good time and enjoying my company so it made me feel even better.  We ended up walking around the mall and talking for about 5 hours, which was a lot longer than I had thought we would.  He finally said he had to go, so I walked him to his car.  He asked me for a hug goodbye, which I was glad to give.  After that he kept talking to me for another fifteen minutes and finally let himself leave.  

I was super happy on my way home because it was a complete success, at least from my perspective.  He seemed like he was genuinely interested in me and I was definitely interested in him.  That had been the first good date I had been on in over two years and it felt good.  He texted me to tell me he had gotten home safely and to tell me he had a good time.  I responded with a similar message.  Then he did not respond so I waited two days before I sent another message.  He responded to my message, then I told him jokingly that I was afraid he was never gonna talk to me again.  I sent that message and as it turns out he never did respond after that and has not talked to me since.

That was super disappointing.  I have learned not to get my hopes up, so I was prepared for this, but it was still annoying to have to go through it.  What is most annoying is how well it seemed to go.  The fact that the conversation flowed well and we spent way more time together than I anticipated and that he asked for a hug at the end and kept talking for a while even after I walked him to his car made it seem like he really liked me.  During the last two hours of our date I even asked him multiple times if he was ready to go home and he said he still wanted to hang out.  It really annoys me how when you are  on a date with someone that you know you don’t want to go on a second date with that you have to play along still just so it doesn’t make things more difficult.  I wish there was a better way to deal with that because it just makes it seem to the other person like the whole thing went well.

…

Since then I have not had any good prospects or even gone on another date with anyone, but I did hook up with the repulsive guy again recently.  I am going to start referring to him as my f-fwb.  If you really want to know what the first f stands for you can ask me.  So the main reason I hooked up with him again is because the first time we hooked up, he wanted to fuck me (pardon my French lol), but did not have any condoms so I would not let him.  I had not been fucked in a long time so I wanted to do it again to recall how it felt.  After writing that it sounds really dumb lol. I'm not a whore, well maybe just a little.  Anyway so that’s the reason.  This time was a little different than the first time.  For one thing, right after I got there and we were laying in his bed, I felt really strongly like I did not want to be there, mainly because I was just uncomfortable and it felt awkward.  After things got more physical, those feeling abated.  I didn’t hate kissing him as much this time and the cuddling was better.  I did not really notice the conversation being as satisfying this time though. 

One of the best things was something he told me.  He said he likes to tell people he has fucked a Mormon guy.  That made me laugh, but then it gets better. He also said he knows another Mormon guy who is a friend of a friend that he hung out with recently.  According to my ffwb, that Mormon guy is one of those really serious straight Mormons who are just totally dumb and ignorant.  My ffwb told that guy that he fucked a Mormon guy (aka me).  I can’t remember exactly how my ffwb said he reacted, but I can just imagine how that would rub someone like him the wrong way.  I can’t stand really dumb Mormons that are just so oblivious to how other people feel, especially the ones from happy valley and thereabouts.

I guess I should tie this into being Mormons more.  Recently I missed a lot of church because I got a little lazy, but I got back to it again, then I moved.  I am not going to be going to church for the foreseeable future because I had previously been in my new ward and I just don’t want to go back to it.  For one, going to a YSA is really dumb if you a gay and two it is such a small congregations.  In the ward I was in, I could just slink into the background and not be noticed or given any responsibility, but in this one there is like only 30 active members.

I have also been more open with some of my family members about being gay.  I have opened up more to some of them and they have opened up more to me.  I have realized that a lot of my family members are not as gung-ho about the gospel as I had thought they were.  Although there are still some that are serious about living the gospel principles, but even they are understanding.

I moved from a city to a more rural area so the dating pool has shrunk considerable.  This is kind of depressing. 

The Physically Repulsive (but Emotionally Attractive) Guy

In my first post I briefly mentioned a person that I went on a date with.  Here is what I wrote about him:

“Later on I started talking to a different guy. Through talking on the phone we became really emotionally attached before we even met. When we finally met in person I realized I was not at all attracted to him physically (his pictures were very misleading). I handled this very poorly. We met on a Sunday night. I still lived with my parents so I told them I was going to a fireside, but instead I went on a date with him. I ended up ending the date early by more or less telling him that I was not attracted to him. I pretty much broke his heart and it made me feel like the worst person in the world. He went home crying and I went home crying and the whole thing was horrible. When I got home in the driveway I changed back into my church clothes as if I had just gotten back from the fireside. I went to my bedroom and after a while my dad came in and told me he saw me changing my clothes and ask why I did that. I was still super emotional about what happened and was still crying on and off so I did not have the energy to make up a lie.” 

Recently we hooked up (as in had sex).

…

We first met on a dating website and I suggested we talk on the phone before we meet.  So we called each other and ended up talking for five hours late in to the night.  Then for the next four days leading up to our first date we continued to talk on the phone each night for 3+ hours.  It was pretty intense how we clicked over the phone so fast.  It was pretty much like we were already in a relationship.

For our date we met at Starbucks for coffee (don’t worry, I’m a good Mormon and just had one of their smoothies lol).  When I first saw him I was kind of shocked at how different he looked from his pictures.  After coffee we planned to go see a movie and we had talked on the phone all about how we would cuddle in the theater.  I got really uncomfortable during the movie because I felt obligated to cuddle with him even though I did not want to.  All I could think during the movie was how unattractive I thought he was and how embarrassed I would be if I were to introduce him to people as my boyfriend.  After the movie we planned to go explore a tunnel and likely make out. I really wanted to not have it get any more serious than it already was because I knew I did not want to continue to date him.  I drove him back to his car and told him I wanted to end the date.  He was upset and wanted to know why.  I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I implied that it was because I was not attracted to him and kept repeating that the date “was not what I expected.” That’s when he started crying and I started crying and it led to me coming out to my dad.  That whole situation was just made up of a bunch of bad choices and I learned a lot about how not to date.  Like don’t get attached to people before you meet them and don’t plan long first dates.

We kept texting each other and I apologized a lot.  I never understood why he kept talking to me after what happened.  If someone did that to me I would never talk to them again, but it was like he could not leave me alone and he still wanted to try dating.  I did really like his personality and I thought maybe the first time we met it was just the shock of my expectations of him not matching up that made me react poorly. So after talking it out for a few weeks we decide to go on another date. This was after my parents banned me from dating guys. 

One afternoon I snuck out of my bedroom window to meet him.  He lived far away and drove over an hour to pick me up.  I was waiting on the street corner for him.  He pulled up and right when I saw him I knew going on another date was a mistake and that I really was not attracted to him at all. In fact I was repulsed by him.  I learned from our first date and realized it would be a mistake to just say I didn’t want to go with him so I just went with it.  That date was not as bad. We just went to lunch and then played a trivia game in his car for a while.  A couple days later I told him I did not want to keep dating.  This time I did it through text so I could avoid the absolute nightmare that happened the first time.  He was again really upset and stopped talking to me for a while.

A couple months later we started texting again.  It was around his birthday and I joked about sending him a picture of me in my birthday suit for his birthday.  He told me I should and I stupidly did (I actually made a really hot gif of myself taking of my clothes, but that is beside the point).  He told me it was really hot and that made me feel good. He was really good at seducing me with compliments.  Since I did not want to date him, he suggested we just be friends with befits.  I considered it because I thought, well maybe if I can have sex with him I will start to be attracted to him.  I know, I was really dumb, but I really liked his personality and really wanted to be attracted to him.  I even searched Google to see how a relationship could work if you are not attracted to the other person.  I eventually realized dating a boy that I was not attracted to was as dumb as trying to date girls.  Like I’m not going to throw away my salvation to be with someone I am not attracted to.

So we planned to spend the night together one time when my parents were out of town.  Again he drove the hour plus drive to my house.  I was waiting outside for him and again right when I saw him I knew it was a mistake and I would not be attracted to him by having sex with him.  And again he drove over an hour to get there so I could not just tell him to go home, at least that’s what I thought.  So we went in and watched a movie and cuddle and spent the night together.  I bore it sufficiently.  I just tried to enjoy it in not focus on how much I did not want to be with him. In the morning he went home and I was glad to be rid of him.  He wanted to do it again sometime, but I always made it seem like my parents would never give me an opportunity to sneak him in or sneak away.  Eventually he got a real boyfriend and stopped talking that much.

…

That all happened a few years ago.  Since then we have still stayed in contact, but it is usually only when he does not have a boyfriend.  It’s kind of funny because every time he breaks up with one of his boyfriends he always feel sad and starts texting me a lot and talking about hooking up again.  Then he gets a new boyfriend and stop talking to me.  Whenever he starts talking to me again he would always ask me why I wouldn’t date him.  It is really hard when someone asks you that and you know the exact reason, which involves a very unattractive body trait, but you cannot just tell them because that would be really mean.  He still brings it up from time to time and asks why I won’t date him and it is so annoying because I can’t just say it is because I find your body repulsive. I usually just try to avoid answering and change the subject.

When I started talking to that nipple pierced guy, I told the repulsive guy and it turned out they were friends.  The repulsive guy told me that if it did not work out he wanted to take me on a date and I agreed because it had been a while and I wanted to see him again, even just as friends.  I also thought that if things changed and I felt differently about him then maybe we could try dating.  At the very least I wanted a free lunch out of it.  So when I ended it with the nipple pierced guy I eventually told the other guy so he want to get together. 

Soon after, his dad was going out of town so he wanted me to go spend that night with him and cuddle.  I agreed just to see what would happen.  I went to his house and met him.  I was really nervous because I did not know what to expect.  He came out and that initial reaction I get when I see him came, but this time it was not at strong and I did not feel like I just wanted to leave. I was only slightly repulsed by him and not totally, like before.  So we cuddled and ended up having sex.  I had not had sex with anyone since I did with him the time before and I only went on a date with one person, the nipple pierced guy, in that time.  The experience was not that bad.  I just really did not like kissing him.  The part I enjoyed the most was just talking to him about his life and talking to him about mine and just feeling so comfortable talking to him, like we used to on the phone when we first met.

But, okay, so he had this stupid little dog that he let just lay in the bed with us while we had sex and were cuddling.  I was thinking what kind of person just lets their dog jump all over them when they are trying to be intimate and I implied that he should let him out, but he refused. So that was absurd.  I also started to see other little personality traits that I did not like about him which made me not as interested in him.  We planned to meet again the next week, but I cancelled and I have been thinking I don’t really want to hook up again because I know I don’t want to date him, more so now because of the negative personality traits I noticed.  It just seems so pointless to do that with someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with.  Maybe we will hook up again, but I would rather find someone I seriously want to date. So that’s where I am at with that. 

I haven’t had any good prospects since the nipple pierced guy.  I did almost go out with a crazy eighteen year old guy, but I ended up being talked out of it by the repulsive guy.  That story can be for another blog post. 

You have to ask yourself, what kind of person gets their nipples pierced

So I went on a date with that guy that I wrote about texting during elder’s quorum.  It went okay.  We just took a stroll down a bike path near his house and talked.  I ended up texting him a couple days later and telling him I did not think we would work out or whatever.

Here are some of the “shallow” reasons I did not like him:

• He had his nipples pierced.  I don’t understand why anyone would do that.  It’s not like it’s for aesthetics because no one is going to see it since you wear a shirt all the time.  I asked him why he had got them pierced and he just said, why not.  You have to ask yourself, what kind of person gets their nipples pierced.
• He was really into Wicca.  I found his tumbr and it was just full of all that Wicca crap.  I cannot take any of that seriously or anyone who is into that.  The funny thing is, I found out that he was also Mormon, but had already distanced himself from the church when he was in High School.  His family still went, but from what he said they did not seem too devoted to it.
• He did not have a very good relationship with any of his immediate family.  I can understand why people can have bad family relationships, but it seemed his was because he is the type of person to be into Wicca.  Like a dumb rebellious teenager or something.
• He was 21 and had only barely started college.  That in its self is not bad, but he had only been taking like 3 classes per semester and he told me he did not plan to finish his lower division units for 3 and a half years.
• He seemed to have some serious anxiety issues. I have my own fair share of anxiety issues so I can understand how that can be, but from what he told me, his seemed like a really big problem.
• His voice was a lot higher pitched than I expected.  He did not sound gay necessarily, but his voice was just really high.
• For all his negative attributes he did not look that great.  He looked okay in person, but not good enough to put up with all the undesirable characteristics.

#blasphemy

It’s funny how God is like, “I command you to get married and have children because that is the most important thing you can do and is the requirement to go to the highest level of glory. And to help you out, I will give you all these great feelings and desires, like love, companionship, sexual desire, physical and emotional attraction and every other good feeling that would make an intimate relationship desirable. But I am going to make you feel all these things for someone of the same sex.

“By the way same sex relationships are an abomination to me and against the laws of the universe. They could never be allowed to be or I would cease to be God. Sorry, but all those feelings are now useless to you and in fact, if you act on them you will be sinning and will be in danger of hellfire and brimstone. So I expect you to just ignore them. Forget about companionship and having a family even though I specifically made you want that more than anything.

“Oh and don’t worry, you can still marry an opposite sex partner and everything will be okay. I know you find that repulsive and most undesirable, but it’s that or loneliness for the rest of your life. It’s your choice. Also since I am a generous God, I will help deter you from acting on your feelings by making most people find you and what you like revolting to the point of even physically assaulting you. So you can always have that fear in your heart to help keep you pure. And as a final note remember, suicide it a sin comparable to murder.

"Good luck down there on Earth! See you in a hundred years or so.”

Texting cute boys during elder’s quorum

So I have been texting this boy that I kind of like for the past couple of weeks. It is kind of annoying though because I feel like I am always the one that carries the conversation and a lot of the time he only responds with short three word answers and can take hours to respond. About two weekends ago I asked him if he wanted to go on a date. He said he could not because he had to go to a funeral. I was thinking, “Oh, so you can’t go out with me at any time during the weekend because you have to go to a funeral for 48 hours. Okay, that makes sense.” He did not seem like it was for someone that he was that close too, so I thought it was not because he needed time to mourn. I ended up thinking maybe he is not really interested.

Today he sent me a, “what’s up” message and we started texting while I was getting ready for church. As usual he seemed to only respond with short couple-word answers. Again I thought he must not really be that into me because he doesn’t seem to contribute as much to the conversation. Then during elders quorum he responded to me and said, “I am happy just talking to you, I like your personality and find you cute. :)” It made me melt. I started grinning from ear to ear while everybody else was focused on the lesson and were being serious. Then I started reflecting on where I was. I was at church, surrounded by a bunch of straight guys, who, if they knew why I was grinning, would probably find me absolutely abhorrent. Yep, these are the moments that make life worth living. Texting cute boys during elder’s quorum.

Hello, my name is...

Hello, my name is irrelevant. I am starting a blog. This is it. The following post consists of a couple interview questions I was sent regarding being gay and raised Mormon. The blogger who sent me these questions is gaymormonsouthpaw.blogspot.com, after I responded to his post about sharing his reader’s stories. As of this moment he has yet to post my story to his blog, but I decided I would post it on my own blog as a sort of introduction of myself.  Sorry is it long, but I hope you will find it a satisfying read.


-- Explain your correlation/involvement to the Moho blogging community

Until recently I was only semi-aware of Moho blogging. I knew it existed, but I never really had anything prompt me to go investigate it. Within the last year or so I saw a video someone posted on Facebook about Far Between that interested me, so I started watching those interviews. I mainly watched the ones with the young guys that were around my own age because they were cute and I could identify with some of their experiences. Since interviews on that site don’t get uploaded that often and I still wanted to hear more people’s stories, I started Facebook stalking friends of friends who I knew were gay Mormons and discovered the USGA Facebook group at BYU. So then I started Facebook stalking all those people. Eventually I found that that really wasn’t satisfying my desire to hear personal experiences where I could identify with other gay Mormons, so that’s when I searched “gay Mormon blog” and found The Moho community. 


-- What's life like being both gay and Mormon? 


As most of your readers probably know, it’s MISERABLE, but I think my experience is kind of unique. From what I have read, a lot of gay Mormons around my age and older didn’t know a lot about being gay when they were young and did not have a lot of exposure to gay people growing up. When I was a kid one of my siblings told me that one of my older brothers was gay and explained what that meant and how it was bad. It was about that time that I was starting puberty and I was shown a homoerotic picture by one of my straight brothers who thought it was funny. I still remember it, it was a picture of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy lying in bed together, shirtless and cuddling. It really piqued my curiosity and lead me to down a path to looking at gay porn.


It is interesting because when I was really young in elementary school I had crushes on girls and none on boys, but when I started puberty I started to have crushes on boys and not on girls. 


Anyway I don’t know a lot of the details of when my first brother came out and how my parents reacted. I know he was bullied a lot in school and being gay might have been part of it. I later found out when I was older that he attempted suicide and that was pretty shocking to me. He and my parents went to counseling together for a while. I always thought it was to reconcile him being gay and them being against that. I never really asked about the details of what happened because I thought it would lead to the suspicion that I was gay. Even now I feel like it is kind of private and not really my business. I don’t remember at what point he became inactive, but he stopped going to church and believing it. As a kid I always had the impression that he was sinning and being bad and I did not want to be like him.


A few years later another one of my brothers came out to my parents and they talked to me and my siblings about both off my gay brothers. We are a little closer in age so I was more aware of what happened to him. He came out around the time he finished high school and also at that time declared that he did not believe in God and was an atheist. My parents were again upset by this and it was difficult for them. When my mom told me about him coming out she was crying and reiterated how bad it was, so that engrained in me that being gay wasn’t good. That brother moved out right after high school to go to college and has lived on his own since. So growing up I knew a lot about being gay through how it affected my brother’s lives and how my parents reacted.


Sometime after my first brother came out I was on a father and son camp out with my dad and he and I went on a little hike together. During that he asked me if I was attracted to boys. That really made me uncomfortable because I was and I saw how my brothers being gay caused so much distress in our family. I did not want to be associated with something bad like that so I lied and said I was not. I was around 11 or 12 years old at the time.


When I was around 13 my dad caught me looking at gay porn. He sat me down and told me how being gay was not a sin, but acting on it was, as we always hear in the church today. He told me I needed to talk to the bishop and repent, so he set up an appointment for me. It was a very stressful situation for my thirteen year old self to say the least. I went through the repentance process with the bishop for looking at porn, but did not tell him I was gay. I did not think that needed to be confessed since it is not a sin. I avoided porn for a while, but eventually went back to it. After that my dad didn’t talk to me about being gay for ten years until a specific event triggered me to come out to him, but I will talk about that a little later. I assume he told my mom what happened, but to this day she has never directly talked to me about being gay.


So all through my teenage years I looked at gay porn. I always felt guilty about it because of what you learn at church. I tried to stop many times on my own, but I never could. I was also kind of in denial about being gay. I just never wanted to accept it. I always had the idea that I would find a woman to marry who I would be attracted to. I was pretty shy so I never felt I needed to date girls to prove I was straight and I never wanted to anyway. I also always tried to distance myself from my gay brothers, because I saw them as not strong enough to stick with church and I did not want to be associated with that. That was one of my biggest fears with coming out. I felt if people knew I was gay, then I would have to stop going to church. And I still feel like if people know I am gay they will think I am stupid for still believing and going to church.


So pretty much until the time I was almost 21 I was trying to break my porn habit so I could go on a mission, although I was not trying that hard. When I was 20, my desire to have a boyfriend became really strong. I was tired of seeing all the ways straight couples got to be intimate and love each other and I couldn’t because I was gay. I wanted that kind of companionship in my life too so I discovered a way to meet guys online. I ended up having sex with a guy I met. That kind of officially made me decide to not go on a mission, because there was no way I was going to confess to a bishop that I had gay sex. After that experience I tried to actually date guys so I could developed a real relationship because I did not want to just have sex with them. 


-- Are you an active, believer of the church?


I am still active, but I am not super involved. I do go to church every week, but have not taken the sacrament in quite a while and I refuse to discuss any of this with my bishop. I feel like if I ever were to get serious with someone it is likely I would stop going, but I am not sure. There was a time when I was actively dating guys and reading my scriptures daily, but I have not read them in almost a year. I also still do pray every day. I like praying and having a relationship with God. If anything, it’s cathartic and I still for the most part believe he is real. I never got endowed or did any of that temple business so that is not something I worry about. I do wrestle a lot with the idea that homosexuality is immoral because everything I feel about guys is so good and positive and brings me so much joy and peace and it makes absolutely no sense that that can be bad. Basically I came to the decision that I will search for a male companion and try to be happy in this life and accept the punishment I receive in the next life. I feel like to endure life while restricting yourself from companionship and love is hell and it does not make sense to me that you would have to endure hell to avoid hell.


-- Are you out to friends and family? If you're not out, what keeps you in the closet?


I am partially out to my family kind of. As mentioned before my parents found out I was gay when I was 11, but never talked to me about it again until I was 21. I guess they were in denial about it or were just hoping, it would go away. During my teen years one of my gay brothers caught me looking at porn. I was still uncomfortable with my sexuality so I never talked to him about it and he never brought it up. At that time I still thought about marrying a woman so I did not want to acknowledge it to anyone.


When I started dating guys I came out to my one of my sisters because she kept pestering me about what I was being so secretive about. I started dating a guy for the first time ever and he was really cute and I was SUPER excited about it and wanted to share it with someone. She is slightly younger than me and fairly understanding so I was not that worried about telling her. Although the experience was still very nerve wracking.


Later on I started talking to a different guy. Through talking on the phone we became really emotionally attached before we even met. When we finally met in person I realized I was not at all attracted to him physically (his pictures were very misleading). I handled this very poorly. We met on a Sunday night. I still lived with my parents so I told them I was going to a fireside, but instead I went on a date with him. I ended up ending the date early by more or less telling him that I was not attracted to him. I pretty much broke his heart and it made me feel like the worst person in the world. He went home crying and I went home crying and the whole thing was horrible. When I got home in the driveway I changed back into my church clothes as if I had just gotten back from the fireside. I went to my bedroom and after a while my dad came in and told me he saw me changing my clothes and ask why I did that. I was still super emotional about what happened and was still crying on and off so I did not have the energy to make up a lie.


I just flat out told him I went on a date. After a little more questioning I revealed it was with another boy. He realized I was upset and just told me he still loved me and would talk to me about it later. About a week later he called me into his bedroom so we could have a talk. He reiterated what he said when I was eleven about being gay is not a sin, but acting on it is. Then he started to say some really insensitive and hurtful things about what would happen to me if I continued to act on my gay feelings. I couldn’t stand to listen to him anymore so I just went back to my bedroom, locked the door and started crying. I knew he would try to unlock the door and get in, so I put on some shoes and got ready to leave. He unlocked the door and told me he was not done talking to me. I told him I did not want to talk about it and tried to side step him to leave. This made him a little angry so he blocked the doorway and grabbed me to try to prevent me from leavening. We got in to a little tussle and I ended up flinging my window open, ripping out the screen, and jumping out into the pouring rain, all while he tried to constrain me and him yelling, “You cannot live here if you are going to continue to date!”


I walked around to the front of my house and got a small umbrella, then I just started walking. All I had on was a sweatshirt, sweatpants, a shoe on one foot and just a sock on the other. The other shoe had come off as I was trying to get away. So there I was walking in the rain like that, bawling and wishing I was dead. That was the most suicidal I have ever been. If I would have had an easy way to kill myself at that moment I would have done it, but all I could think of doing was bludgeoning myself with a rock. I decided that would be too difficult.


I tried to figure out where I could go to get out of the rain. I didn’t have any friends I could go to and I lived in a kind of rural area so there was nothing around but houses. I lived near a golf course and remembered a semi-secluded bathroom at the end of one the holes so I decided to go there. I finally got their after walking about three miles, ruminating all the way. By then I was pretty soaked and my shoeless foot was freezing and hurt from walking on the rough ground. I tried the door, but it was locked. Luckily there was a 3 foot overhang so I had cover from the rain, but there was a huge puddle occupying most of that cover. I collected a pile of pine needles and built up a mound to try to avoid sitting directly in the puddle. It was not very affective. Then I sat there in the cold for the next four hours and cried and ruminated and cried some more.


While I was there my dad texted me and apologized, but I just ignored him. My sister that I came out to also texted me and said my parents told her I was upset and that I left. She tried to talk to me, but I didn’t really want to talk. After a while I realized I would have to go back at some point so I just tried to wait as long as I could before I went back. By the time I did go back my shoeless foot was totally numb and on my other foot, my shoe had been soaked through and also started numbing. I eventually started walking back and by the time I got to my house I was completely drenched for head to foot and my feet and hands were totally numb from the cold.


I wanted to sneak back in through my bedroom window, but they had shut it and I could not get it open. It had gotten dark by the time I got back and I stayed outside and watched what was going on inside through the windows. My parents were there and they were sitting down eating dinner. They looked really sad and it kind of made me sad. I waited outside watching them for about a half hour until they got in their car and left, I assume to go look for me. The only other person living there at the time was one of my brothers and I don’t know how much of the confrontation he was aware of. He mostly stayed in his room so I was not too worried about him. I snuck in the side door got some dinner and went straight to my room. I decided to text my dad and tell him I was home. Then I changed out of my wet clothes and ate while I waited there for them to come back.


When they got back my dad came to my door and apologized again and said he would not make me talk to him if I did not want to. He asked me if I could come out so he could give me a hug, but I refused and he left. Then my mom came and asked me to come out so she could hug me and I refused again. I kind of felt guilty about that, but I was still really upset. So they finally left me alone. The whole next day I tried to avoid them and stay in my room. I urinated out my window so I would not have to use the bathroom and only left a couple of times to get supplies of food. I saw my mom, but I avoided looking at her and did not talk to her. My dad was at work during that time. The next day I stopped urinating out the window and let myself leave to use the bathroom and I made small comments to my mom when I came out to get food. Each of the following days I started coming out more and talking more to my parents until things got back to normal. I finally did let them hug me and they apologized again, but after that we acted like it never happened and that was fine with me.


That is the story of coming out to my parents. I did stop dating after that because I felt like I should follow their rules while I lived with them since they were still supporting me a great deal financially. And I knew they would be watching me like a hawk, so I knew it would be twice as hard to sneak around.


So that whole experience might have sounded like fun, but wait until you hear what happened next. When I came out to my sister I told her explicitly, EX. PLI. CIT. LY. Not to talk to anyone about it and if they asked her anything about it, I told her to lie through her bloody teeth. And do you know what she did? You wanna know? She pretty much told every in my family! So I found out later that when I was sitting in that puddle, my mom called one of my other sisters to ask her if she might know where I had gone and she told her I was gay. I still can’t understand how she thinks she has the right to tell anyone such personally information about me and I’m still upset that she did that. I don’t know if she talked to any of my other siblings, but she did talk to my younger sister about it. So my younger sister ended up thinking all my siblings knew so she sent a text to most of them explaining the situation. I have a large immediate family and the number of children is on the high side as far as Mormon families go. I didn’t find out what my sister did until a year after the incident. So for a whole year I thought nobody in my family knew, while the whole time they all knew.


To be honest, I understood how that whole situation played out and so I am not that upset that my sister broke my confidence in that way. But, recently I found out more details that made me really mad at her. I went to visit one of my straight brothers, recently and he confronted me about being gay. He told me that when I was young he had caught me looking at gay porn so he had known for a long time. That was kind of awkward and uncomfortable, but it also felt good to talk openly about it with him. Then he made a really snarky comment, mocking me for being afraid to be open with everyone about my feelings and I was like, oaky you’re the dumbest person in the world, don’t ever talk to me again. That’s how I felt but I didn’t really say that, I just brushed it off. Anyway, later he revealed that about a month after I came out to my sister, she had told him I had a boyfriend. And I was like, are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! So it turns out she broke my trust from the very beginning. And remember, I told her EXPLICILY not to tell anyone. It just kills. I don’t understand how she could just do that.


It all worked out in the end though. I confronted her about it and she was like, uhh… well… I ahh… I’m sorry, I just… ahh. And I’m like, yeah you’re dumb, I know. Later as a peace offering she offered to buy me a new phone and I was like, if you really want to, but I don’t expect you to. I guess she felt really bad, but I’m getting a new phone out of it so I am happy lol. I’m not really that shallow, but maybe a little. ;) Also I am kind of glad that she told all my sibling the way she did because I never really wanted to come out to them and now I don’t have to. And I am sure some of them at least suspected that I was gay anyway.


This has become a long convoluted story, but the moral is I came out to my parents and a few of my siblings. The rest of them were told, but I have never talked to them about it and they never talked to me about it and right now that’s how I like it. I do have one brother that I still think doesn’t know because he was not around when this whole ordeal happened. I am not out to anyone outside of my immediate family, but who knows who they have told. I don’t really have any friends so telling them is not an issue since they don’t exist. Some people may be wondering if I already have two brothers out, what’s the big deal about me coming out. What’s one more? It is still extremely shameful and I know how disappointing it is to my family. It is just really hard to know that how I am and what I want in life is so disappointing to them.


-- You mentioned in your first statement that you have gay brothers. What has that been like?

It has its positive and negative aspects. On the one hand I feel like because they came out before me, it spared me a lot of grief that I would have had to go through if I was the only gay person in my family. I wasn’t totally oblivious to homosexuality when I was growing up so it made it easier to deal with. My family was also already used to having gay family members so it dispelled a lot of fear I might have had if I did not know how they would react. On the other hand, now I know exactly how they can react negatively to having gay family members. I also know firsthand what it feels like to find out you have a gay family member and how you are shocked and your opinion of them might change a little bit. I felt the same disappointment my family did when I found out my older brothers were gay because of what I was taught and believed about it. That is something that made me worry about coming out because I’ve experienced that same disappointment.


I have never been particularly close to my gay brothers just because we are gay. In fact I feel like I have more often than not, avoided them as to avoid any suspicion they may cast on me of being gay.  

-- What is your current status? (Single, in a relationship, etc.) Are you happy?


I am currently single, but have just recently started trying to date again. It is just so hard because people are so scary and dating’s hard and I hate it. But I have definitely become happier at the prospect of finding a companion. I moved away from my parents nearly a year ago so that is no longer an issue.


-- How do you see yourself in the future? (Staying with the church, leaving it, balance both sexuality and church, etc.)


This is a tough question because I think it is really hard to say. I still believe in the church, but I have accepted my sexuality and the consequences it may bring. At this point I am sure I would be excommunicated, but I would never go through a disciplinary counsel to find out. I just try to do the thing I feel I can and not worry about things that I think are too hard. How long I can live my life with this kind of relationship to the church is unknown.


-- Anything else you'd like to add?


I would just like to say I am grateful for my loving parents and family and that we can still get along after going through difficult situations like this. This part feels like a testimony lol. My family is really important to me and while it may seem like some of the things they do are uncaring, they are in fact very caring and are my favorite people. So that’s that.


Also I would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts and options about my story, so if you took the time to read this please feel free to leave comments.