“Later on I started talking to a different guy. Through
talking on the phone we became really emotionally attached before we even met.
When we finally met in person I realized I was not at all attracted to him
physically (his pictures were very misleading). I handled this very poorly. We
met on a Sunday night. I still lived with my parents so I told them I was going
to a fireside, but instead I went on a date with him. I ended up ending the
date early by more or less telling him that I was not attracted to him. I
pretty much broke his heart and it made me feel like the worst person in the
world. He went home crying and I went home crying and the whole thing was
horrible. When I got home in the driveway I changed back into my church clothes
as if I had just gotten back from the fireside. I went to my bedroom and after
a while my dad came in and told me he saw me changing my clothes and ask why I
did that. I was still super emotional about what happened and was still crying
on and off so I did not have the energy to make up a lie.”
Recently we hooked up (as in
had sex).
…
We first met on a dating
website and I suggested we talk on the phone before we meet. So we called each other and ended up talking
for five hours late in to the night. Then
for the next four days leading up to our first date we continued to talk on the
phone each night for 3+ hours. It was
pretty intense how we clicked over the phone so fast. It was pretty much like we were already in a
relationship.
For our date we met at
Starbucks for coffee (don’t worry, I’m a good Mormon and just had one of their smoothies
lol). When I first saw him I was kind of
shocked at how different he looked from his pictures. After coffee we planned to go see a movie and
we had talked on the phone all about how we would cuddle in the theater. I got really uncomfortable during the movie
because I felt obligated to cuddle with him even though I did not want to. All I could think during the movie was how
unattractive I thought he was and how embarrassed I would be if I were to
introduce him to people as my boyfriend. After the movie we planned to go explore a
tunnel and likely make out. I really wanted to not have it get any more serious
than it already was because I knew I did not want to continue to date him. I drove him back to his car and told him I
wanted to end the date. He was upset and
wanted to know why. I don’t remember
exactly what I said, but I implied that it was because I was not attracted to
him and kept repeating that the date “was not what I expected.” That’s when he
started crying and I started crying and it led to me coming out to my dad. That whole situation was just made up of a
bunch of bad choices and I learned a lot about how not to date. Like don’t get attached to people before you
meet them and don’t plan long first dates.
We kept texting each other
and I apologized a lot. I never
understood why he kept talking to me after what happened. If someone did that to me I would never talk
to them again, but it was like he could not leave me alone and he still wanted
to try dating. I did really like his
personality and I thought maybe the first time we met it was just the shock of
my expectations of him not matching up that made me react poorly. So after talking
it out for a few weeks we decide to go on another date. This was after my
parents banned me from dating guys.
One afternoon I snuck out of
my bedroom window to meet him. He lived
far away and drove over an hour to pick me up.
I was waiting on the street corner for him. He pulled up and right when I saw him I knew
going on another date was a mistake and that I really was not attracted to him
at all. In fact I was repulsed by him. I
learned from our first date and realized it would be a mistake to just say I
didn’t want to go with him so I just went with it. That date was not as bad. We just went to
lunch and then played a trivia game in his car for a while. A couple days later I told him I did not want
to keep dating. This time I did it
through text so I could avoid the absolute nightmare that happened the first
time. He was again really upset and
stopped talking to me for a while.
A couple months later we
started texting again. It was around his
birthday and I joked about sending him a picture of me in my birthday suit for
his birthday. He told me I should and I
stupidly did (I actually made a really hot gif of myself taking of my clothes,
but that is beside the point). He told
me it was really hot and that made me feel good. He was really good at seducing
me with compliments. Since I did not
want to date him, he suggested we just be friends with befits. I considered it because I thought, well maybe
if I can have sex with him I will start to be attracted to him. I know, I was really dumb, but I really liked
his personality and really wanted to be attracted to him. I even searched Google to see how a
relationship could work if you are not attracted to the other person. I eventually realized dating a boy that I was
not attracted to was as dumb as trying to date girls. Like I’m not going to throw away my salvation
to be with someone I am not attracted to.
So we planned to spend the
night together one time when my parents were out of town. Again he drove the hour plus drive to my
house. I was waiting outside for him and
again right when I saw him I knew it was a mistake and I would not be attracted
to him by having sex with him. And again
he drove over an hour to get there so I could not just tell him to go home, at
least that’s what I thought. So we went
in and watched a movie and cuddle and spent the night together. I bore it sufficiently. I just tried to enjoy it in not focus on how
much I did not want to be with him. In the morning he went home and I was glad
to be rid of him. He wanted to do it again
sometime, but I always made it seem like my parents would never give me an
opportunity to sneak him in or sneak away.
Eventually he got a real boyfriend and stopped talking that much.
…
That all happened a few
years ago. Since then we have still stayed
in contact, but it is usually only when he does not have a boyfriend. It’s kind of funny because every time he breaks
up with one of his boyfriends he always feel sad and starts texting me a lot
and talking about hooking up again. Then
he gets a new boyfriend and stop talking to me.
Whenever he starts talking to me again he would always ask me why I
wouldn’t date him. It is really hard
when someone asks you that and you know the exact reason, which involves a very
unattractive body trait, but you cannot just tell them because that would be
really mean. He still brings it up from
time to time and asks why I won’t date him and it is so annoying because I
can’t just say it is because I find your body repulsive. I usually just try to
avoid answering and change the subject.
When I started talking to
that nipple pierced guy, I told the repulsive guy and it turned out they were
friends. The repulsive guy told me that
if it did not work out he wanted to take me on a date and I agreed because it
had been a while and I wanted to see him again, even just as friends. I also thought that if things changed and I
felt differently about him then maybe we could try dating. At the very least I wanted a free lunch out
of it. So when I ended it with the
nipple pierced guy I eventually told the other guy so he want to get
together.
Soon after, his dad was
going out of town so he wanted me to go spend that night with him and
cuddle. I agreed just to see what would
happen. I went to his house and met him. I was really nervous because I did not know
what to expect. He came out and that
initial reaction I get when I see him came, but this time it was not at strong
and I did not feel like I just wanted to leave. I was only slightly repulsed by
him and not totally, like before. So we
cuddled and ended up having sex. I had
not had sex with anyone since I did with him the time before and I only went on
a date with one person, the nipple pierced guy, in that time. The experience was not that bad. I just really did not like kissing him. The part I enjoyed the most was just talking
to him about his life and talking to him about mine and just feeling so
comfortable talking to him, like we used to on the phone when we first met.
But, okay, so he had this
stupid little dog that he let just lay in the bed with us while we had sex and
were cuddling. I was thinking what kind
of person just lets their dog jump all over them when they are trying to be
intimate and I implied that he should let him out, but he refused. So that was
absurd. I also started to see other
little personality traits that I did not like about him which made me not as
interested in him. We planned to meet
again the next week, but I cancelled and I have been thinking I don’t really
want to hook up again because I know I don’t want to date him, more so now
because of the negative personality traits I noticed. It just seems so pointless to do that with
someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with. Maybe we will hook up again, but I would
rather find someone I seriously want to date. So that’s where I am at with
that.
I haven’t had any good
prospects since the nipple pierced guy.
I did almost go out with a crazy eighteen year old guy, but I ended up
being talked out of it by the repulsive guy.
That story can be for another blog post.
