So this will just be a brief update I guess. As mentioned in the last post, I almost went out with a crazy eighteen year old. For fun one night I created a fake dating profile. Basically it was a way for me to vent to people on the dating website about all the pet peeves I have about the stupid things people put on their dating profiles. Like how dumb it is when people put their Myers-Briggs score on it or when people start off with the cliché, “I’m not good at filling these things out” or some variant of that. I also filled it with other random pet peeves I have, specifically things people do that I hate. I kind of also used it to troll gay people who I think are too serious and sensitive about LGBT issues. I got a couple of messages from people who were offended by some of the things I posted, which was amusing. One message I got was from a guy who identified with the general mood of my fake profile. He got the impression that I hated a lot of people and he connected with me in that regard. I started chatting with him more seriously because I thought if I could find someone that hates all the same things as I do then we would be perfect for each other lol.
After chatting for a day or two he wanted to call me and
talk on the phone so we did. He called
me on a Friday night when he was totally drunk.
He kept rambling on about all this random stuff because he was drunk and
I ended up just listening to him most of the time. It was not a good first impression, but I was
like meh, I’ll just see where this goes.
He told me how his parents got pregnant in their teens and had him and
that he was abused and had a messed up childhood. Those were a lot of red
flags, but I still wanted to give him a chance even though I was also really
anxious about taking it further with him.
I kind of went back and forth with him whether or not I would meet him,
but the repulsive guy talked me out of it.
That was a relief because I think it would have been a huge nightmare if
I had ended up taking it further. We
stopped talking and he was really mad at me.
…
After that I went through a period where I found no good
dating prospects. I would talk to guys
online, but they were either too far away or there was just too many things
about them that I did not like. Finally
a guy messaged me that was promising.
Through looking at his profile and chatting I found a lot of things
about him that we had in common. I
started to get excited about the prospect of dating him and felt warm, happy
feelings when we would text. We started
messaging constantly and set up a date to meet.
We were going to go to the mall and walk around.
The day arrived and I was super nervous and excited. When I got there and met him, he was gayer
than I expected, which is always what happens, so I was expecting that lol. I hate meeting people for the first time because
they are never what you expect and I think that can scare people away. After I got past my initial expectations, I
took a good look at his face and was excited because I was really attracted to
him in real life, which hadn’t happened with a guy I dated in a while. I kept trying to steal good, long looks at him
when he would not notice and seriously check him out. He was really cute, but not the kind where
the guy seems flawless, which made it all the better! It is so hard to find
someone who is attractive that you feel is also in your league; not too attractive,
but not ugly by any means.
It was kind of awkward at first but after a little while we
both seemed to get more comfortable and I started to really enjoy myself. We had lunch and then continued to walk
around and talk some more. It is really nice to do that, talk to someone you
are interested in who you also think it interested in you. He seemed to be having a good time and
enjoying my company so it made me feel even better. We ended up walking around the mall and
talking for about 5 hours, which was a lot longer than I had thought we would. He finally said he had to go, so I walked him
to his car. He asked me for a hug
goodbye, which I was glad to give. After
that he kept talking to me for another fifteen minutes and finally let himself
leave.
I was super happy on my way home because it was a complete success,
at least from my perspective. He seemed
like he was genuinely interested in me and I was definitely interested in him. That had been the first good date I had been
on in over two years and it felt good.
He texted me to tell me he had gotten home safely and to tell me he had
a good time. I responded with a similar
message. Then he did not respond so I
waited two days before I sent another message.
He responded to my message, then I told him jokingly that I was afraid
he was never gonna talk to me again. I
sent that message and as it turns out he never did respond after that and has
not talked to me since.
That was super disappointing. I have learned not to get my hopes up, so I
was prepared for this, but it was still annoying to have to go through it. What is most annoying is how well it seemed
to go. The fact that the conversation flowed
well and we spent way more time together than I anticipated and that he asked for
a hug at the end and kept talking for a while even after I walked him to his
car made it seem like he really liked me.
During the last two hours of our date I even asked him multiple times if
he was ready to go home and he said he still wanted to hang out. It really annoys me how when you are on a date with someone that you know you don’t
want to go on a second date with that you have to play along still just so it
doesn’t make things more difficult. I
wish there was a better way to deal with that because it just makes it seem to
the other person like the whole thing went well.
…
Since then I have not had any good prospects or even gone on
another date with anyone, but I did hook up with the repulsive guy again
recently. I am going to start referring to
him as my f-fwb. If you really want to
know what the first f stands for you can ask me. So the main reason I hooked up with him again
is because the first time we hooked up, he wanted to fuck me (pardon my French lol),
but did not have any condoms so I would not let him. I had not been fucked in a long time so I
wanted to do it again to recall how it felt.
After writing that it sounds really dumb lol. I'm not a whore, well maybe just a little. Anyway so that’s the reason. This time was a little different than the
first time. For one thing, right after I
got there and we were laying in his bed, I felt really strongly like I did not want
to be there, mainly because I was just uncomfortable and it felt awkward. After things got more physical, those feeling
abated. I didn’t hate kissing him as
much this time and the cuddling was better.
I did not really notice the conversation being as satisfying this time though.
One of the best things was something he told me. He said he likes to tell people he has fucked
a Mormon guy. That made me laugh, but
then it gets better. He also said he knows another Mormon guy who is a friend
of a friend that he hung out with recently. According to my ffwb, that Mormon guy is one of
those really serious straight Mormons who are just totally dumb and ignorant. My ffwb told that guy that he fucked a Mormon
guy (aka me). I can’t remember exactly
how my ffwb said he reacted, but I can just imagine how that would rub someone
like him the wrong way. I can’t stand
really dumb Mormons that are just so oblivious to how other people feel,
especially the ones from happy valley and thereabouts.
I guess I should tie this into being Mormons more. Recently I missed a lot of church because I
got a little lazy, but I got back to it again, then I moved. I am not going to be going to church for the foreseeable
future because I had previously been in my new ward and I just don’t want to go
back to it. For one, going to a YSA is
really dumb if you a gay and two it is such a small congregations. In the ward I was in, I could just slink into
the background and not be noticed or given any responsibility, but in this one
there is like only 30 active members.
I have also been more open with some of my family members
about being gay. I have opened up more
to some of them and they have opened up more to me. I have realized that a lot of my family
members are not as gung-ho about the gospel as I had thought they were. Although there are still some that are serious
about living the gospel principles, but even they are understanding.
I moved from a city to a more rural area so the dating pool
has shrunk considerable. This is kind of
depressing.
