Wednesday, January 17, 2018

I don’t recommend getting low when you’re high


A few days ago I tried pot for the first time. It wasn’t that great. In fact there was nothing good about it. I really don’t like the smell of pot so that is the first thing that made it unenjoyable. I used a vaporizer and supposedly that is not as harsh as smoking it, but it still irritated my throat.  I took about 4 hits in five minutes. Afterward it felt like there was something caught in my throat and I could not take a deep breath without coughing, kind of like having a bad cold. Luckily that wore off in a few minutes. After a little while I still didn’t notice any affects so I went back to watching a funny show that I had been watching. While I was sitting there I slowly started to notice its effects on me.

I mainly felt lethargic and felt like I did not want to move at all. I also started to have trouble focusing on the show I was watching. All I could think about was how it was effecting me. The weird part was that even when I was able to pay attention to the show and a funny part happened, I couldn’t laugh. I knew that it was funny, but for some reason my emotions were just flat. It was kind of like I couldn’t even show any emotions at all. It seemed like my face muscles became super relaxed and almost numb. I didn’t even want to talk. My sister asked me a question and it seemed like an effort to answer her.  I also kept tasting the nasty pot taste in my mouth and the whole time I just wanted to go brush my teeth.

A little later I started to feel hypoglycemic so I got up to eat something. Compounded with being high, I started to feel really lightheaded and dizzy and realized I was gonna faint. I sat down really quick right in front of refrigerator with the door still open. I stayed like that for a little while trying to decide if I should ask my sister for help or not (I didn’t want her to think I was a wimp). I finally decide to. She got me some soda and some crackers and I just sat there for about a half hour stuffing my face until I felt like I had the energy to get up.  It was kind of weird because I felt super hypoglycemic even though I wasn’t. At that point the pot had mostly worn off and I started to feel normal again.

This experience was disappointing. I was expecting to feel good, but it just made me feel sleepy and drained. I was especially anticipating to have my mind opened or something, but it just made it difficult to focus and dulled my emotions. Also considering the uncomfortableness of inhaling it and the disgusting taste, I don’t see myself ever getting into recreational marijuana.  Also I don’t recommend getting low when you’re high.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The lie every teenage boy tells their bishop

(unless your conscience gets the better of you)


I just listened to this (http://www.mormonstories.org/mormon-interviews-part-1/) podcast from Mormon Stories about bishop interviews regarding sexual purity. I recommend listening to it. One of the main points of this podcast is to shed light on the fact that it is totally inappropriate for bishops to be talking with children and interviewing them about their sexual behavior.  It’s funny because until I listened to this podcast I had never considered how inappropriate this is, but now that I have been thinking about it I can’t believe that this is still a normal, acceptable practice. Especially after listening to the podcast and hearing some people’s experiences where their bishop made them describe every little detail of what they did.  It’s just so disgusting and crazy that that happens. 
 
While listening to it I started reflecting on my own experiences with my church leaders. I started masturbating when I was around 11 or 12. I also started getting curious about porn around that time and tried to look at it whenever I got a chance. During the summer when I was 13 there was one week where I was going to be home alone all week because my mom and sisters were going to girls camp and my brothers where going out of town. It was just going to be me and my dad at home all week. My dad worked during the day so I was home alone until the evening when he got home. I was excited because this gave me tons of time to look at porn. We had the internet, but we only had dial-up so it was SUPER slow. 

One day my dad came home and he was suspicious of me because he would randomly call home to check on me, but since I was on the internet it just returned a busy signal. At that time I barely knew how the internet worked so I didn’t know how to delete my browser history. He checked it and found all the dirty stuff I had looked up. I was sitting in the same room as him pretending to play video games whilst really trying to figure out what he was doing. I figured out he had caught me so I was freaking out inside and just wanted to die. I was also doubly freaking out because it was all gay porn and that is when he found out I was gay. 

A little later he sat me down and asked me about it and I confessed because I knew he knew. He told me all the cliché stuff like it was okay and he still loved me and it’s not a sin to be gay, just acting on it is. He then said he was going to set up a meeting with our bishop so I could confess it to him and repent. After we talked I was relived because the awkwardness was over and the cat was out of the bag, but I was still dreading talking to the bishop. When Sunday came, my dad shuffled me into the bishop’s office so I could confess to him. From what I can remember he basically just probed me and asked me if it was a law of chastity issue and if it had to do with masturbation and/or pornography and if I knew what that meant. He explained it all to me and said he would talk to me next week to see how I was doing and for the time being not to take the sacrament.

I remember not being able to pass the sacrament and being incredibly uncomfortable during sacrament meeting because I felt like everyone knew that I was masturbating because why else would a deacon not be able to pass the sacrament. Looking back, I feel like I was one of the few young men in my ward who ever confessed to the bishop about masturbating. It seems like almost none of my peers ever had to sit out from passing the sacrament, but based on my own sexual proclivities I can’t imagine how none of them could not have also been doing it.

I avoided masturbating all week because I was so scared and embarrassed about what would happen if I didn’t and when I talked to the bishop again he told me I could continue taking the sacrament. I think that same day after church, as a reward for doing so well (lol but not really), I gave in and masturbated again. Right afterward I felt horrible and started stressing out about having to confess to the bishop again so I tried to be perfect all week to make up for it. The following Sunday, the bishop pulled me aside in the hallway and asked me, “How are you doing?” I think he must have been referring to avoiding masturbation, but since he was so vague I just told him I was fine even though I had masturbated. After that I told myself I was going to stop, but I never could go for more than a few days. He followed up the next few weeks with more vague questions about how I was doing and I always said I was fine. I didn’t really feel like I was lying because he never asked me directly if I was still masturbating.

When I turned eighteen my bishop was kind of pressuring me to become a Melchizedek priesthood holder and to get my patriarchal blessing. Even though I had been lying throughout my teen years about worthiness, I did not feel conformable doing either of those things if I was unworthy so I confessed to him. We had the same kind of conversation about the law of chastity and he counseled me about what to do to keep myself pure. Some of the things he told me were to hum a church hyme, take a cold shower, or chew gum. He literally told me that chewing gum could help me not masturbate.  Amazingly and with excruciating effort I just stopped masturbating and looking at porn and after a few weeks it became easy to avoid. So I was able to get my patriarchal blessing and be ordained an Elder with a clear conscience.  That lasted about six months until I started masturbating again.

When I started going to the YSA ward I had an interview with my new bishop and he asked about the law of chastity and I told him my issues with it. He ask what problems I was having exactly and how often.  He told me to not take the sacrament and encouraged me to go to the addiction recovery program, but I never did. I met with him every few weeks, but did not make any progress. Eventually the meetings became less and less often. I ended up just not taking the sacrament for like 3 or 4 years because I lost my virginity to a guy and started dating other guys and I did not want to confess that and come out to my bishop. Every few months he would ask if I would like to talk about it, but I said no. I moved to a new YSA ward and the same thing continued with my new bishop until I stopped going to church.

All my experiences were incredibly awkward and made me feel very ashamed, but none of my leaders were ever too nosy or gross about it. It just always made me feel terrible and extremely guilty. It even crossed my mind to castrate myself because I had so much difficulty with stopping. I’ve heard some of my brothers express similar feelings about this when they were growing up, even thinking about suicide because of the extreme guilt that comes from this. But what do you expect when the church teaches kids that masturbating is just one step up from murder.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Mormons are Dumb


I have reached the point where I don’t think the church is true anymore. Now when I see any Facebook post about the church by any of my Mormon friends I just say to myself, “Mormons are SO dumb.” You never realize how dumb it all is until you distance yourself from it and suddenly everything about Mormons is just so stupid.

Like that video of the lesbians that got divorced to join the church and members are just flaunting it as such a wonderful faith promoting video. DUMB. Or the inspiring story of Tom Christofferson leaving his partner of 20+ years to rejoin the church. DUMB. Or all the unfortunate gay members who still cling to the church and defend it even though it makes them miserable. DUMB. 

I love reading the comments on those kind of posts because they are so full of the dumbest Mormons ever who are so oblivious to how dumb they are. I saw this one members comments that were so antigay. He believed that gay people were just the ultimate sinners and were the scourge of the earth. I couldn’t believe how little sympathy he had and yet he is qualified to be one of the youth leaders of a gay youth, but a gay person isn't just because they are gay! I Facebook stalked him a little and saw a picture of his family. I half wished one of his sons would turn out gay so he would have to deal with a real gay person in his life but, he seems like the kind of person that would kick them out on the street if they were. I can hardly believe there are still members that are like that.

I read some other comments by a gay member who was trying to use his status as gay to lend credibility to his defense of the church, but believe it or not he was so dumb too. It is unfortunate because people like that just try to make themselves feel good by acting like they are the good gays who do what is right and don’t give in to their evil desires. It especially irks me because he acted like ex gay members are so weak because they can’t go without having sex like he can. I hate when people try to make that argument that being gay is only about sex and completely ignore things like romance, intimacy, companionship, and love. 

Gay issues are not the only things that drive me crazy about active members. I just saw this video someone made of this really dramatic trailer for general conference ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3sAJY7VVFY ). It just kills me how Mormons eat that kind of thing up. It is just so dumb; I love to hate it. 

Another thing I saw recently was a Facebook post from one of my Mormon friends. It went something like this: “A lot of people ask me why I am so happy. Well is it is because...” and he proceeded to bare his testimony and post a link to the church's website. I just wanted to respond and say, actually you were just coached to say that since you were a little child and happiness has nothing to do with whether you are a member of the church or not. In fact the church makes many people’s lives miserable until they are finally able to shed all its nonsense and break free from it.  

Anyways, Mormons are dumb.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I discovered I love dancing like a slut


So I had my birthday recently and I kind of got depressed because I am still single. I am well into my twenties and still have never been in a serious long-term relationship. Time just keeps ticking by and I’m just over here, by myself, alone. After moping around for a while I decided I needed to start really seriously trying to date… so I downloaded another dating app. That’ll do it I thought.

I got one of the popular dating apps that I had not tried before and found it was way worse than the one I regularly use. It seems to only show you people that are at least 50 miles away or more.  Needless to say it hasn’t helped much. The problem is I live in an area where there are very few people to date so I basically hate it.  I have also become more reclusive lately and have been feeling very trepidatious about meeting people for dates so I basically hate that too. I also noticed it seems like the majority of people on dating apps are just the dregs of the dating pool. They either seem to be fat, ugly, weird, or just losers that live in their parent’s basements like me. So I hate everything.

In related news I went to a gay bar for the first time recently and it was surprisingly fun.  My sister invited me to go out drinking with her and her friends so I did. I usually don’t like doing stuff like that, but I decided I would give it a try. We started out the night at her apartment with a few drinks. I had drank once before, but I did not notice it have any effect on me.  I was curious about how it would affect me this time. I started out with a hard cider and three shots of vodka.  Then we went to a bar and I had a mixed drink. I started to notice feeling loose at that time and having more fun. We went to another bar and I had another mixed drink. Then we went to the gay bar and I had another two mixed drinks. So by that time I had eight drinks.

The bar had a dance area with about 40 people dancing and my sister and her friend wanted to go dance. They tried to get me to dance, but I was too self-conscious so I resisted.  They pulled me over anyway and I gradually started getting into it. There were a few hotties there and we locked eyes a couple times so it was fun to think they were staring at me. The bar had some stripper poles and I started to dance on those. It is really fun to dance like a slut and try to seduce other guys. This one guy started eyeing me and tried to get me to dance with him on the stripper pole. I kind of wanted to, but I was too uncomfortable so I didn’t. After we left the bar I regretted not doing it.

When we got back to the apartment I threw up a couple times and then in the morning I threw up a couple more times. It was pretty miserable, especially since their apartment has no air conditioning and it was like 90 degrees outside. Overall the dancing was really fun, but I wish I was drunker so I would have danced with that guy... and maybe made out with him a little.
 

Friday, April 21, 2017

Are gay members of the Church really just in Hell?


I wrote the following around the time I started this blog, but never posted it. I just came across it on my computer and thought I’d post it. 

So I learned in church as a youth that if you die with your addictions or in sin then when you go to spirit prison or hell, then you will still have those same sinful desires, but you will not be able to satisfy them.  You will just be left to suffer with unsatisfiable desires or addictions as part of your punishment.  

I think about having a boyfriend EVER SINGLE DAY.  It is one of my greatest desiresto have companionship with a boy and be happy and do all the good things that couples are formed for. Yet every day I think about the gospel and how what I want is a sin and how I could never have any of those good things because it will cause me to go to hell.   

It’s funny how the definition of hell as a place where you are tortured with insatiable desires is what my life is like right now.  I have the greatest desire for companionship, but I can never attain it because it is a sin.  And if I do choose to pursue a relationship, then I go to hell.  So if I try to avoid this hell I’m living, I will only be sent to a similar hell when I die.  It’s a horrible paradox.  The very pain I am trying to alleviate is the same pain I will suffer if I try to do so.    

Is life supposed to be like this? 
“Adam fell that men might have joy.” 
Apparently not, but it is. 

I was thinking maybe I am in hell right now and I don’t even know it.  Maybe this is my punishment for my past wrong doings.

Now I have stopped going to church and believe that all the things they teach about gay people are just made up lies that are completely evil.  I might give a life update on here soon… or not.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Grindr Finder

I just like that title because it rhymes.


So last week I downloaded Grindr for the first time.  Up to this point I had never had any interest in it because I thought the only reason people used it was for hooking up.  I came to find out that that is in fact exactly why people use it. lol Even when they say they are looking for something more, they are still always open to causal sex.


Anyway, my ffwb has recently been sending me lots of naked pictures of guys from Grindr that they send to him.  Some of them are really hot so I’m like, I wanna have hot guys send hot naked pictures of themselves to me, so I downloaded it.  So far it has been super fun.


When I first got on it I was trying to figure out how it worked and I kept hearing these notification sounds and I had no idea where they were coming from.  Then I finally found the message tab and saw that I had messages from four different guys. Score! One of them was an obese man in his thirties, who I promptly told that I was not interested. There was another guy without a pic who did not continue the conversion very far and a really muscly guy over 3000 mile away. The last guy was 28 and looked marginally attractive.  He told me to watch out for bots, which I realized was the guy that was 3000 miles away.  The 28 year old started talking to me and after a while invited me to go hang out and watch a movie at his house.  Being the social anxious person that I am, I declined.  He said he just wanted to hang out with no intentions for anything physical, but I doubt that is really what he was thinking.  He did end up sending me some semi hot nudes, so that was exciting.  I was barely on Grindr for an hour and already got what I came for. 


I was super excited when I got my first unrequested dick pic.  I’m not one of those people that is really opposed to them even thought I usually have no interest in the guy sending it.  It is just fun to scrutinize them and compare them to others that people have sent you and some of them are really nice. :D Whenever I get one I always respond with, “Nice wiener.” I think it’s funny.


In the last week and a half I have gotten tons of messages from different guys, young and old, hot and not.  I always message every single person that messages me because I think it is really rude to not at least acknowledge a person and tell them you are not interested.  Also because I just think it is fun to talk to all these people and see what kind of people they are.  There are so many old people on here that message me and I think it is so strange that they think I would ever what to have sex with them or be in a relationship with them.


I almost had a predate date (predate date: where you meet someone to have coffee or something similar to see if you want go on a date with them).  My old roommate told me about that, which I thought was hilarious because, hello, that is called a first date.  Anyway, I started talking to this guy who was a few years younger than me.  He told me I looked cute and I thought he was gorgeous.  He told me he wanted to meet and hang out for a bit, but canceled at the last minute.  I was disappointed, but only a little bit because the only reason I was interested is because I thought he was totally gorgeous but otherwise probably not a good match. He hasn’t talked to me too much since.  There are a couple other guys that I have developed a rapport with, but I have little intention of ever meeting them.


It is super fun to just chat with guys on there.  There are just so many different types of people looking for different, but similar things.  One day I spent six hours just constantly chatting with guys and I never even initiated any of the conversations.  I would have like 3 or 4 or 5 conversations going at once and it seemed like whenever a conversation ended a new guy would just start talking to me. And some of the people on there are so funny. Here is part of a conversation I had recently:


He stopped talking to me after that.  Another guy who was in his late forties messaged me today.  Here is how part of that conversation went after I noticed from his profile that he was married:

Me: Are you married to a woman?
Him: Yes
Me: How is that going for you?
Him: BLOCK!

Yep, he just blocked me. I was actually genuinely interested in his situation.  What a complete nightmare it must be to be gay and married to a woman. 


Anyway so the moral of this post is that you can have a lot of fun with people on Grindr and you don’t even have to have sex with them, or even meet them.  Another reason I like it is because people just call you cute and handsome left and right.  It is really nice, especially if they are more attractive than you.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

So this will just be a brief update I guess


So this will just be a brief update I guess.  As mentioned in the last post, I almost went out with a crazy eighteen year old.  For fun one night I created a fake dating profile.  Basically it was a way for me to vent to people on the dating website about all the pet peeves I have about the stupid things people put on their dating profiles.  Like how dumb it is when people put their Myers-Briggs score on it or when people start off with the cliché, “I’m not good at filling these things out” or some variant of that.  I also filled it with other random pet peeves I have, specifically things people do that I hate.  I kind of also used it to troll gay people who I think are too serious and sensitive about LGBT issues.  I got a couple of messages from people who were offended by some of the things I posted, which was amusing.  One message I got was from a guy who identified with the general mood of my fake profile.  He got the impression that I hated a lot of people and he connected with me in that regard.  I started chatting with him more seriously because I thought if I could find someone that hates all the same things as I do then we would be perfect for each other lol.  

 
After chatting for a day or two he wanted to call me and talk on the phone so we did.  He called me on a Friday night when he was totally drunk.  He kept rambling on about all this random stuff because he was drunk and I ended up just listening to him most of the time.  It was not a good first impression, but I was like meh, I’ll just see where this goes.  He told me how his parents got pregnant in their teens and had him and that he was abused and had a messed up childhood. Those were a lot of red flags, but I still wanted to give him a chance even though I was also really anxious about taking it further with him.  I kind of went back and forth with him whether or not I would meet him, but the repulsive guy talked me out of it.  That was a relief because I think it would have been a huge nightmare if I had ended up taking it further.  We stopped talking and he was really mad at me.

After that I went through a period where I found no good dating prospects.  I would talk to guys online, but they were either too far away or there was just too many things about them that I did not like.  Finally a guy messaged me that was promising.  Through looking at his profile and chatting I found a lot of things about him that we had in common.  I started to get excited about the prospect of dating him and felt warm, happy feelings when we would text.  We started messaging constantly and set up a date to meet.  We were going to go to the mall and walk around.  


The day arrived and I was super nervous and excited.  When I got there and met him, he was gayer than I expected, which is always what happens, so I was expecting that lol.  I hate meeting people for the first time because they are never what you expect and I think that can scare people away.  After I got past my initial expectations, I took a good look at his face and was excited because I was really attracted to him in real life, which hadn’t happened with a guy I dated in a while.  I kept trying to steal good, long looks at him when he would not notice and seriously check him out.  He was really cute, but not the kind where the guy seems flawless, which made it all the better! It is so hard to find someone who is attractive that you feel is also in your league; not too attractive, but not ugly by any means.  


It was kind of awkward at first but after a little while we both seemed to get more comfortable and I started to really enjoy myself.  We had lunch and then continued to walk around and talk some more. It is really nice to do that, talk to someone you are interested in who you also think it interested in you.  He seemed to be having a good time and enjoying my company so it made me feel even better.  We ended up walking around the mall and talking for about 5 hours, which was a lot longer than I had thought we would.  He finally said he had to go, so I walked him to his car.  He asked me for a hug goodbye, which I was glad to give.  After that he kept talking to me for another fifteen minutes and finally let himself leave.  


I was super happy on my way home because it was a complete success, at least from my perspective.  He seemed like he was genuinely interested in me and I was definitely interested in him.  That had been the first good date I had been on in over two years and it felt good.  He texted me to tell me he had gotten home safely and to tell me he had a good time.  I responded with a similar message.  Then he did not respond so I waited two days before I sent another message.  He responded to my message, then I told him jokingly that I was afraid he was never gonna talk to me again.  I sent that message and as it turns out he never did respond after that and has not talked to me since.


That was super disappointing.  I have learned not to get my hopes up, so I was prepared for this, but it was still annoying to have to go through it.  What is most annoying is how well it seemed to go.  The fact that the conversation flowed well and we spent way more time together than I anticipated and that he asked for a hug at the end and kept talking for a while even after I walked him to his car made it seem like he really liked me.  During the last two hours of our date I even asked him multiple times if he was ready to go home and he said he still wanted to hang out.  It really annoys me how when you are  on a date with someone that you know you don’t want to go on a second date with that you have to play along still just so it doesn’t make things more difficult.  I wish there was a better way to deal with that because it just makes it seem to the other person like the whole thing went well.

Since then I have not had any good prospects or even gone on another date with anyone, but I did hook up with the repulsive guy again recently.  I am going to start referring to him as my f-fwb.  If you really want to know what the first f stands for you can ask me.  So the main reason I hooked up with him again is because the first time we hooked up, he wanted to fuck me (pardon my French lol), but did not have any condoms so I would not let him.  I had not been fucked in a long time so I wanted to do it again to recall how it felt.  After writing that it sounds really dumb lol. I'm not a whore, well maybe just a little.  Anyway so that’s the reason.  This time was a little different than the first time.  For one thing, right after I got there and we were laying in his bed, I felt really strongly like I did not want to be there, mainly because I was just uncomfortable and it felt awkward.  After things got more physical, those feeling abated.  I didn’t hate kissing him as much this time and the cuddling was better.  I did not really notice the conversation being as satisfying this time though. 


One of the best things was something he told me.  He said he likes to tell people he has fucked a Mormon guy.  That made me laugh, but then it gets better. He also said he knows another Mormon guy who is a friend of a friend that he hung out with recently.  According to my ffwb, that Mormon guy is one of those really serious straight Mormons who are just totally dumb and ignorant.  My ffwb told that guy that he fucked a Mormon guy (aka me).  I can’t remember exactly how my ffwb said he reacted, but I can just imagine how that would rub someone like him the wrong way.  I can’t stand really dumb Mormons that are just so oblivious to how other people feel, especially the ones from happy valley and thereabouts.


I guess I should tie this into being Mormons more.  Recently I missed a lot of church because I got a little lazy, but I got back to it again, then I moved.  I am not going to be going to church for the foreseeable future because I had previously been in my new ward and I just don’t want to go back to it.  For one, going to a YSA is really dumb if you a gay and two it is such a small congregations.  In the ward I was in, I could just slink into the background and not be noticed or given any responsibility, but in this one there is like only 30 active members.


I have also been more open with some of my family members about being gay.  I have opened up more to some of them and they have opened up more to me.  I have realized that a lot of my family members are not as gung-ho about the gospel as I had thought they were.  Although there are still some that are serious about living the gospel principles, but even they are understanding.


I moved from a city to a more rural area so the dating pool has shrunk considerable.  This is kind of depressing.