Are gay members of the Church really just in Hell?

I wrote the following around the time I started this blog, but never posted it. I just came across it on my computer and thought I’d post it. 

…

So I learned in church as a youth that if you die with your addictions or in sin then when you go to spirit prison or hell, then you will still have those same sinful desires, but you will not be able to satisfy them.  You will just be left to suffer with unsatisfiable desires or addictions as part of your punishment.  

I think about having a boyfriend EVER SINGLE DAY.  It is one of my greatest desires—to have companionship with a boy and be happy and do all the good things that couples are formed for. Yet every day I think about the gospel and how what I want is a sin and how I could never have any of those good things because it will cause me to go to hell.   

It’s funny how the definition of hell as a place where you are tortured with insatiable desires is what my life is like right now.  I have the greatest desire for companionship, but I can never attain it because it is a sin.  And if I do choose to pursue a relationship, then I go to hell.  So if I try to avoid this hell I’m living, I will only be sent to a similar hell when I die.  It’s a horrible paradox.  The very pain I am trying to alleviate is the same pain I will suffer if I try to do so.    

Is life supposed to be like this? 

“Adam fell that men might have joy.” 

Apparently not, but it is. 

I was thinking maybe I am in hell right now and I don’t even know it.  Maybe this is my punishment for my past wrong doings.

…

Now I have stopped going to church and believe that all the things they teach about gay people are just made up lies that are completely evil.  I might give a life update on here soon… or not.